In honor of Megan

I did not write this but it is just tooo funny!

To any female who ever thought about addressing the bikini line…yeah…
All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now... the wax... My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home, fix dinner, played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm, you peel them apart, press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off. No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly girl, but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out.

*YA THINK?!!!* So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end. (Oh how this phrase haunts me!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. OK so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-Ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure I apply the wax strip across the right side of bikini line, covering the right half of my nether regionsand stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself.

RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. Crap!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP. Everything is swirly and spotted! Do I hear crashing drums???
OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - A wax covered strip, that has caused me so much pain, with hair sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair?? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair... the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. Crap! The most sensitive part of my body, is now covered in cold wax and matted hair!

Then I make the next BIG mistake...................remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. NOOO!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door. Nether region? Sealed shut. Butt?? Sealed shut. I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off" Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off right???*WRONG!!!!!!!*I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!!

God bless the man that convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her! I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH RIGHT!!!! Like I'm going to be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your nether regions covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking with me when I discover the saving grace... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend, but I really don't care.
"IT WORKS!! It works!!

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair.................................. THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......................ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So Ishaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.Next week I'm going to try hair color...... Blond I think!

Pregnacy

As my dedicated readers know =) I am with child. With that comes a variety of "fun" things.

1. I smell things that should not be smelled. Most people notice stuff but my sniffer is on super duty.

• This morning I walked down the hall near 2e's room and it smelled like vomit.
• One of my students sitting next to me smelled like urine
• I walked into a classroom and said "What is that smell?" the teacher quickly laughed explained someone had farted. Nice and I could still smell it.

2. I have become slightly more sensitive (or at least I did) and they set me off either making me furious or want to cry.

• Some little stinker said "You aint pregnant you just fat."
• Another vile little thing asked "Who the baby daddy?"
• My husband didn't get the diapers or dinner like I had asked.
• The nurse when trying to find my utureus commented that I was "fluffy"

News flash people hormones are on a high alert. I know that I have extra baggage!!! But is it too much to ask to be nice?? A little more sensitive??? Well on the positive side only 20 more weeks of this.

Random musings of a Black Friday shopper

My family has always gotten up at the crack of dawn and gone shopping the day after Thanksgiving. I remember my mom waking me up at Grandma's, "Are you coming with us or not?" The answer was always yes. I would quick shower, get dressed and off we went. One year I was home from college. My mom and I got up SUPER early to get in line at Best Buy. They had some ridiculous buy on TV's and DVD players. Once we got in, I slept in the care till mom checked out.

Last year I suggested it to my husband. Money was tight (as always) and I said "We might be able to save a little." Well we bundled Jack up and off we went. It was pretty successful and he did really well. But knowing he is almost two shopping with him was out of the question. So Grandma Shorty to the rescue. Tom and I got up at 3:00 and were at Kohls by 4:00 when it opened.

This year I noticed several things.

• People seemed to be more polite and accepting of the fact that others were shopping.
• It is never acceptable to go out in public in pajama pants. For goodness sakes put on some sweats!!! I am okay with pony-tails, hats, sweat-shirts, etc. But DO not look like you could still be in bed. That's gross.
• Parents will do just about anything for their kids, including standing in hour or more lines to buy the perfect gift.
• X-Mas has gotten very expensive.

Letting it go

So I hate when I know there are people that don't like me or are even mad at me.

I have had a parent call and complain about me twice now. Apparently I am mean and all I do is yell. Now I will admit I get after this child but it is because it is needed, but I don't think I really YELL at him. When venting to friends they reminded me that this is not really someone that their opinion ranks HIGH on the list. YET this makes me crazy.

I also had someone who I considered to be a very good friend, stop talking to me. I kind of figured it was because I had some how inadvertingly hurt their feelings. Although I know I didn't do it intentionally. So I reached out today hoping that either my gut was wrong or she told me. Well she did. I had said something insensitive. I didn't say it to her, I said it on facebook. I apologized but I feel absolutely horrible.

My mouth has gotten me into trouble before. My emotions get me into trouble. How do I get myself out of it. AND how do I stop feeling guilty? There are lots of people that can just let things roll off their back. I am not one of those people but I wish I could be!!

My hair

So in my attempt to save money this weekend, I Miss Clarliol'ed my hair. Generally I go to a salon and get highlights, I wanted an all over color until Duece comes along. So I thought why not. I bought a brown with red tints, thought it would look pretty natural.
Well thank god I only left it on for 10 minutes because I look like bozo the clown. It is red, I don't mean a little red, I mean RED! I cried when I first got out of the shower. My husband responded with "It doesn't look that bad." I have decided to embrace it...well kind of. I am washing it with Prell, which will strip the color.

As I walked the hallways today I got mixed reviews.
1. "Hey Red! " ~Eric Petro
2. "Cute hair." Suzy and Arin
3. Did you see Mrs. Fisher died her hair? ~two sixth grade boys as they laughed
4. Mrs. Fisher? ~ Nia with her eyes BUGGING out of her head.
5. "You're hair is red-cool! " ~Gage
6. Why did you do that? ~ Alexis
7. Check you out, sassy. ~ 2e

So I am taking it in stride, enough adult women seemed to think it looked okay. Middleschoolers have no fashion anyway.

life with a toddler

So everyday is a new adventure...or at least a comic episode. The following are just two examples of how our weekend went.

Jack has taken an interest in "potty", which I am in favor of. I potty-trained early so my hope is that my son is not like most boys and is easily potty trained. He has yet to actually use the potty however he has been telling us after he does his business and then asks for the potty. SO we have been indulging. He also has been making sure that his doll "Franky" goes potty too. Which generally means he takes Franky's very expensive diapers off, takes him in the bathroom and holds him over the toilet. He then wipes Franky's crotch with toilet paper and throws it in the toilet. He has done this several times. My mistake was leaving him unattended in the bathroom so I could call Tom in to see how cute this was. When I arrived back in the bathroom, literally 2 seconds later, Franky was fully submerged in the toilet! When I said "What are you doing? Franky doesn't go IN the potty." Jack looked up at me with those sweet innocent eyes and said "Baff."

Then today we decided that we should go to church. Jack was being very good, sitting by himself. But he is in this independent stage in which he constantly says "No mama, me." This translates to "I want to do it by myself." So like all good Catholic masses we were up and down, so Jack of course had to get up and down from the pew all by himself. I am sure all of you can imagine where this is going....well he lost his balance and did a perfect fact plant on the leg of the kneeler. He now has a huge purple bruise on his right cheek. But after the crying stopped we went back in. When we were kneeling, he of course had to do it too. I was trying to hold on to him so that he didn't fall again. I swear he said "I fine, mama." as he pushed my hands away. I of course still hovered but would you expect any less?

Needless to say my sweet little boy is very independent and smart. Pray for me! =)

Okay I literally just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

How do you not know that your nose is completely surrounded by dried boogers? How does it not feel disgusting? Why is it like that? Why should I be the one to point this out?

EWWWWWW. I am sitting next to one of my students and his nose is crusted with boogers. Now my son gets them but he isn't even two! This kid is a fourth grader!! And to make matters worse his nails are black, not a little line of dirt under them but black!!!

A bath is calling someones name, I just hope they hear it.