In honor of Megan

I did not write this but it is just tooo funny!

To any female who ever thought about addressing the bikini line…yeah…
All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now... the wax... My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home, fix dinner, played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm, you peel them apart, press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off. No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly girl, but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out.

*YA THINK?!!!* So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end. (Oh how this phrase haunts me!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. OK so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-Ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure I apply the wax strip across the right side of bikini line, covering the right half of my nether regionsand stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself.

RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. Crap!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP. Everything is swirly and spotted! Do I hear crashing drums???
OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - A wax covered strip, that has caused me so much pain, with hair sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair?? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair... the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. Crap! The most sensitive part of my body, is now covered in cold wax and matted hair!

Then I make the next BIG mistake...................remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. NOOO!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door. Nether region? Sealed shut. Butt?? Sealed shut. I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off" Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off right???*WRONG!!!!!!!*I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!!

God bless the man that convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her! I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH RIGHT!!!! Like I'm going to be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your nether regions covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking with me when I discover the saving grace... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend, but I really don't care.
"IT WORKS!! It works!!

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair.................................. THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......................ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So Ishaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.Next week I'm going to try hair color...... Blond I think!

Pregnacy

As my dedicated readers know =) I am with child. With that comes a variety of "fun" things.

1. I smell things that should not be smelled. Most people notice stuff but my sniffer is on super duty.

• This morning I walked down the hall near 2e's room and it smelled like vomit.
• One of my students sitting next to me smelled like urine
• I walked into a classroom and said "What is that smell?" the teacher quickly laughed explained someone had farted. Nice and I could still smell it.

2. I have become slightly more sensitive (or at least I did) and they set me off either making me furious or want to cry.

• Some little stinker said "You aint pregnant you just fat."
• Another vile little thing asked "Who the baby daddy?"
• My husband didn't get the diapers or dinner like I had asked.
• The nurse when trying to find my utureus commented that I was "fluffy"

News flash people hormones are on a high alert. I know that I have extra baggage!!! But is it too much to ask to be nice?? A little more sensitive??? Well on the positive side only 20 more weeks of this.

Random musings of a Black Friday shopper

My family has always gotten up at the crack of dawn and gone shopping the day after Thanksgiving. I remember my mom waking me up at Grandma's, "Are you coming with us or not?" The answer was always yes. I would quick shower, get dressed and off we went. One year I was home from college. My mom and I got up SUPER early to get in line at Best Buy. They had some ridiculous buy on TV's and DVD players. Once we got in, I slept in the care till mom checked out.

Last year I suggested it to my husband. Money was tight (as always) and I said "We might be able to save a little." Well we bundled Jack up and off we went. It was pretty successful and he did really well. But knowing he is almost two shopping with him was out of the question. So Grandma Shorty to the rescue. Tom and I got up at 3:00 and were at Kohls by 4:00 when it opened.

This year I noticed several things.

• People seemed to be more polite and accepting of the fact that others were shopping.
• It is never acceptable to go out in public in pajama pants. For goodness sakes put on some sweats!!! I am okay with pony-tails, hats, sweat-shirts, etc. But DO not look like you could still be in bed. That's gross.
• Parents will do just about anything for their kids, including standing in hour or more lines to buy the perfect gift.
• X-Mas has gotten very expensive.