In honor of Megan

I did not write this but it is just tooo funny!

To any female who ever thought about addressing the bikini line…yeah…
All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now... the wax... My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home, fix dinner, played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm, you peel them apart, press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off. No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly girl, but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out.

*YA THINK?!!!* So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end. (Oh how this phrase haunts me!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. OK so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-Ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure I apply the wax strip across the right side of bikini line, covering the right half of my nether regionsand stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself.

RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. Crap!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP. Everything is swirly and spotted! Do I hear crashing drums???
OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - A wax covered strip, that has caused me so much pain, with hair sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair?? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair... the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. Crap! The most sensitive part of my body, is now covered in cold wax and matted hair!

Then I make the next BIG mistake...................remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. NOOO!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door. Nether region? Sealed shut. Butt?? Sealed shut. I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off" Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off right???*WRONG!!!!!!!*I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!!

God bless the man that convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her! I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH RIGHT!!!! Like I'm going to be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your nether regions covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking with me when I discover the saving grace... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend, but I really don't care.
"IT WORKS!! It works!!

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair.................................. THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......................ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So Ishaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.Next week I'm going to try hair color...... Blond I think!

Pregnacy

As my dedicated readers know =) I am with child. With that comes a variety of "fun" things.

1. I smell things that should not be smelled. Most people notice stuff but my sniffer is on super duty.

• This morning I walked down the hall near 2e's room and it smelled like vomit.
• One of my students sitting next to me smelled like urine
• I walked into a classroom and said "What is that smell?" the teacher quickly laughed explained someone had farted. Nice and I could still smell it.

2. I have become slightly more sensitive (or at least I did) and they set me off either making me furious or want to cry.

• Some little stinker said "You aint pregnant you just fat."
• Another vile little thing asked "Who the baby daddy?"
• My husband didn't get the diapers or dinner like I had asked.
• The nurse when trying to find my utureus commented that I was "fluffy"

News flash people hormones are on a high alert. I know that I have extra baggage!!! But is it too much to ask to be nice?? A little more sensitive??? Well on the positive side only 20 more weeks of this.

Random musings of a Black Friday shopper

My family has always gotten up at the crack of dawn and gone shopping the day after Thanksgiving. I remember my mom waking me up at Grandma's, "Are you coming with us or not?" The answer was always yes. I would quick shower, get dressed and off we went. One year I was home from college. My mom and I got up SUPER early to get in line at Best Buy. They had some ridiculous buy on TV's and DVD players. Once we got in, I slept in the care till mom checked out.

Last year I suggested it to my husband. Money was tight (as always) and I said "We might be able to save a little." Well we bundled Jack up and off we went. It was pretty successful and he did really well. But knowing he is almost two shopping with him was out of the question. So Grandma Shorty to the rescue. Tom and I got up at 3:00 and were at Kohls by 4:00 when it opened.

This year I noticed several things.

• People seemed to be more polite and accepting of the fact that others were shopping.
• It is never acceptable to go out in public in pajama pants. For goodness sakes put on some sweats!!! I am okay with pony-tails, hats, sweat-shirts, etc. But DO not look like you could still be in bed. That's gross.
• Parents will do just about anything for their kids, including standing in hour or more lines to buy the perfect gift.
• X-Mas has gotten very expensive.

Letting it go

So I hate when I know there are people that don't like me or are even mad at me.

I have had a parent call and complain about me twice now. Apparently I am mean and all I do is yell. Now I will admit I get after this child but it is because it is needed, but I don't think I really YELL at him. When venting to friends they reminded me that this is not really someone that their opinion ranks HIGH on the list. YET this makes me crazy.

I also had someone who I considered to be a very good friend, stop talking to me. I kind of figured it was because I had some how inadvertingly hurt their feelings. Although I know I didn't do it intentionally. So I reached out today hoping that either my gut was wrong or she told me. Well she did. I had said something insensitive. I didn't say it to her, I said it on facebook. I apologized but I feel absolutely horrible.

My mouth has gotten me into trouble before. My emotions get me into trouble. How do I get myself out of it. AND how do I stop feeling guilty? There are lots of people that can just let things roll off their back. I am not one of those people but I wish I could be!!

My hair

So in my attempt to save money this weekend, I Miss Clarliol'ed my hair. Generally I go to a salon and get highlights, I wanted an all over color until Duece comes along. So I thought why not. I bought a brown with red tints, thought it would look pretty natural.
Well thank god I only left it on for 10 minutes because I look like bozo the clown. It is red, I don't mean a little red, I mean RED! I cried when I first got out of the shower. My husband responded with "It doesn't look that bad." I have decided to embrace it...well kind of. I am washing it with Prell, which will strip the color.

As I walked the hallways today I got mixed reviews.
1. "Hey Red! " ~Eric Petro
2. "Cute hair." Suzy and Arin
3. Did you see Mrs. Fisher died her hair? ~two sixth grade boys as they laughed
4. Mrs. Fisher? ~ Nia with her eyes BUGGING out of her head.
5. "You're hair is red-cool! " ~Gage
6. Why did you do that? ~ Alexis
7. Check you out, sassy. ~ 2e

So I am taking it in stride, enough adult women seemed to think it looked okay. Middleschoolers have no fashion anyway.

life with a toddler

So everyday is a new adventure...or at least a comic episode. The following are just two examples of how our weekend went.

Jack has taken an interest in "potty", which I am in favor of. I potty-trained early so my hope is that my son is not like most boys and is easily potty trained. He has yet to actually use the potty however he has been telling us after he does his business and then asks for the potty. SO we have been indulging. He also has been making sure that his doll "Franky" goes potty too. Which generally means he takes Franky's very expensive diapers off, takes him in the bathroom and holds him over the toilet. He then wipes Franky's crotch with toilet paper and throws it in the toilet. He has done this several times. My mistake was leaving him unattended in the bathroom so I could call Tom in to see how cute this was. When I arrived back in the bathroom, literally 2 seconds later, Franky was fully submerged in the toilet! When I said "What are you doing? Franky doesn't go IN the potty." Jack looked up at me with those sweet innocent eyes and said "Baff."

Then today we decided that we should go to church. Jack was being very good, sitting by himself. But he is in this independent stage in which he constantly says "No mama, me." This translates to "I want to do it by myself." So like all good Catholic masses we were up and down, so Jack of course had to get up and down from the pew all by himself. I am sure all of you can imagine where this is going....well he lost his balance and did a perfect fact plant on the leg of the kneeler. He now has a huge purple bruise on his right cheek. But after the crying stopped we went back in. When we were kneeling, he of course had to do it too. I was trying to hold on to him so that he didn't fall again. I swear he said "I fine, mama." as he pushed my hands away. I of course still hovered but would you expect any less?

Needless to say my sweet little boy is very independent and smart. Pray for me! =)

Okay I literally just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

How do you not know that your nose is completely surrounded by dried boogers? How does it not feel disgusting? Why is it like that? Why should I be the one to point this out?

EWWWWWW. I am sitting next to one of my students and his nose is crusted with boogers. Now my son gets them but he isn't even two! This kid is a fourth grader!! And to make matters worse his nails are black, not a little line of dirt under them but black!!!

A bath is calling someones name, I just hope they hear it.

fashion

Those dedicated readers you know that I am with child. I am at that weirdo stage where although I am starting to look pregnant, I don't. I just look fat. Now as a big girl, looking fat is never a good thing. So at all cost I try to avoid that. I have thought of wearing a sign "No, I am not just gaining weight again. There's a baby cooking." But I have opted for no sign.

A good friend reminded me today that it could be worse. You see I teach in a middleschool. The middleschool is a great place to spot fashion mistakes. There was a young lady who is "chubby", her shirt was soo short her fat roll hung out the bottom. Another girl had on solid gold dancer, gold spandex, under way TOOO short shorts. Jeans so tight they can't move have also been spotted lately.

I guess at least I have an excuse! =)

trying my patience

So I have entered the world of special education. I have always enjoyed the LD little buggers because they march to a different beat. BUT I will tell you what when you are spending all day with them and just them it is whole different ball game.
One of my little darlings shouted out in class the first week of school "Am I in special ed or not?" Oh yes baby you are!
The same little angel today was trying my patience, actually he has been since about day 3. During ELA I told my students they had to write 2 complete sentences before they could leave for lunch. (Now I know 2 sentences sounds like nothing but I am telling you that was asking for a lot.) "Joey" right away stated "I'm done."
"Let me see. No you are not, you have to write two sentences."
"I did."
"She didn't want a brother, is only one sentence. You need two."
"You don't have to get smart with me."

Excuse me...since when is correcting a student getting smart with them. You my darling are trying my patience. (I of course didn't say this but I wanted to say much, much more. Thank goodness for filters.)

PUMPING

As I am impending on the next big adventure....Deuce. I was reminded by a friend about my "favorite" past-time pumping.
Now granted a woman has the choice to buy formula or use the girls. For my first son I used the girls. I had read all the articles about how good it was for the baby, my friends were doing it, it was "natural", etc. The bottom line for me became the bottom line (my husband is wearing off on me). Formula is expensive and if I pumped, we saved money. I figured the money I saved from pumping entitled me to buy myself and Jack treats. Thus the "pumping" adventure began.
My little bugger didn't want to do things naturally at first so all I could do was pump. During this year I became a master at the activity. I did it everywhere.
The black bag became my personal sidekick. I managed to do it under my shirt so the only thing you could see was Madonna like protruding objects and of course my hands there and the "shish, shish, shish" for the entire period. I once pumped during a meeting. Granted it was all ladies, I said I have to take a break and they suggested I just do it there. SOOO we continued to conduct business ad mist the shish,shish, shish. I had countless conversations with friends on the phone. "Are you pumping?" I graded papers while doing this. I sat at my desk working on report cards. That time the custodian walked in and then walked right back out... Another time I sat in the ladies room, on the floor because my battery pack had died and that was the only plug. My friends from college died in hysterics when we were on the way to a bachlorette party in Canada and I pumped. I pumped in my car, friends cars, and a bus. I even pumped while I was driving one time. Needless to say my modesty went out the window and pumping was my life.
I was reminded of this by a friend who shared that someone was on a field trip and had to take their pump. I laughed and smiled at the thought of it. Then I realized I am going to have to do it all again!!!

Arch nemesis

I have decided I have an arch nemesis.

In super hero fashion an arch nemesis goes out of the way to "thwart" the heroes plan, destroy them and generally ruin life for them.
Now I am far from being a super hero. However being a teacher does require you to tap into "super powers" such as seeing the good in things, miraculously doing more than one thing at a time, seeing all around you, and over course super strength to juggle it all.
When you have an arch nemesis in the "Teacher world" they aren't necessarily evil but annoying to the max. However I have to say that I would like to use my super powers to throw her off the building, turn her into ice and rid the world of the annoyance. However that would not be super hero-like. I know I should hope that I can bring them around from the dark side......

Not gonna happen, at least not for a while. =)

day 1 life as a special ed teacher

So after nine years of freaking out and fretting over the first day of school, I think it may have ended. Or at least for a little while. As a resource room teacher the general ed teachers don't want me to take their kids. They want them to get used to them. Although they were all very welcoming it was weird because it never felt like I should be there. With all that said it was an easy day, I walked around and floated in and out of rooms.
I cannot say I have had an easier day....ever!!
I know it won't last so I won't hold my breath but so far so good. On the other hand I miss the craziness, the need to be DOING....
We shall see.

stories

Okay so in my classroom when I explain my rules, procedures, etc. to my students I have stories that correlate to some of them. For example:
1. I do not allow my students to chew gum.
The reasoning is because Jimmy Kaufmann stuck gum in my hair and we couldn't get it out, I had to get my LONG hair cut and it scarred me for life. This story is true.
2. I do not let my students tip in their chairs.
Reasoning: A kid tipped over in his chair, hit his head on a heater and bled all over the place and I hate blood. ~Not true but could happen.
3. I do not let my student bounce their pencils.
Reasoning: Charlie did it in third grade and the pencil got stuck in his eye and he had to get a glass eye. ~Not true but it could happen.

Now I have been using stories like this for the last few years and most of my friends and colleagues know about this practice. Some of them laugh at me, while others admire my brillance. =) I am quite sure my husband may have heard me tell these stories too..........

Tonight I was very upset because I am an overprotective mom and I do not think that dad should mow the grass and watch a toddler at the same time. Now when I explained my reasoning I punctuated it with the story of a kid in elementary school whose dad accidentally cut off his son's foot.

I am glad I don't have to provide documentation and that is all I am saying.

Okay so I probably shouldn't blog this BUT I figure this is my little area to vent, etc. Plus anybody that knows me, knows I am pretty open. SO... here it is.

The other night my husband was touching himself. When I realized it I responded with "Are you touching yourself? DON'T you are going to get yourself all riled up!" His response was priceless.
"It was cold!" Followed by you don't usually care when I am riled up." =) And at the time I was just wasn't feeling it.
I shared this conversation with a friend ( my favorite blogger) and she came up with the following list of better excuses for him.
1. I'm checking for lumps.
2. I'm using my other brain.
3. My hands are cold.
4. I'm doing my bridges (an exercise I've got to do, actually, but not typically under covers, completely naked).
5. I'm checking for static electricity under the covers.
6. I'm playing tiddlywinks.
7. I'm playing "here's the church and here's the steeple."
8. I'm solving world peace.
9. I'm solving world hunger.
10. I'm working on a cure for cancer.

But the saga doesn't end there. The other night it happened again. I asked him "Is it cold again?"
"Nope it just feels good."
I should know better!!!!

Worst ways to be broken up with

Okay so a friend of mine has definitely made the list. I also feel that one of my break ups makes that list...so I thought it was worthy of a blog.

1. Just leaving, not saying a word
2. A post-it note (Carrie Bradshaw-and Berger Sex in the City)
3. An email (myself being dumped by Mike Miller)
4. Text message (Forbes while on vacation)
5. Voice mail (sorry to say ....I did that to someone else but I was drunk)
6. Phone call
7. The one that goes on and on and on.


Regardless the break up stage sucks. And I am glad to say that I am past that write now and HOPEFULLY forever =)

fertitility, life, etc

SO three of my best friends are all pregnant. They are also due within 2 weeks of each other. I should be super happy for them but I am so crushed that I am not. Horrible right? The funny thing is that we all planned to try to be pregnant at the same time. Just didn't happen for me.
Guess better luck next time.

Prozac Nation

So I am willing to admit that I have been among the medicated since 03, which is quite a long time. My doctor recommended that come summer I might try to go off my anti-depressant since I was on such a low dose and I seemed to be doing well. I thought about it and thought..no way. I know I am crazy and the medicine helps me be well less crazy and I really didn't want to go back to feeling as crappy as I once did. With that being said, it's summer.

I am not in a routine so to speak so I have forgotten to take my medicine pretty frequently. After realizing that it had been a week I consciously decided to try to live with out. So far so good I haven't hurt anyone or myself =) but now anytime I am annoyed, bugged, insecure, etc I don't know if I am justified or if it the lack of the extra serotonin (or shoudl I say the normal amount that the medication provided) in my brain.

Needless to say this constant questioning my make me go back on. =)

Bugged

Okay in my randomness I started a facebook page. I of course was enjoying all the little doo-dad's etc on which. I discovered through a friends page a former friend who I hooked up with a little in my single days. This individual at one point and time responded to a forward with "Never contact me again." Which was a little out of character but I figured whatever dude.

So time goes by and I see this cat and I do the proverbial friend request. I figure if he doesn't approve me he really meant that....well I was approved. So in a short message I asked how things were and gave him the "What was up with the never contact me-you could have said you didn't like the forward." He responded with the general stuff and also said that it would have been his wife that wrote that, she had left him, stole $26,000 from their checking account and to feel free to contact him.

Now keep in mind that I was not contacting him for more than anything than to say Hi, hows it going etc. I mentioned to the mutual friend this correspondence. She e-d him to say "I'm sorry things aren't going well, etc." (He had made the fact that he and his wife were having problems public in the "What's new section of facebook.) Well the wife emailed my friend and went off about how she didn't know how he was and that he had an affair with ME. Now when we were enjoying each other he told me they were on a break and even if they weren't I don't think a casual hook-up constitutes an affair. Plus did he tell her that? It was 5 years ago....

Then I come home from vacation and he had un-friended me! I am really annoyed by that. I guess because it makes me feel like either she or he or both thought I was going to make a move or something. WHICH I WAS NOT!! We were friends, had things in common, etc. I am happily married which is more than I can say for him. I shouldn't care, I know I am being irrational but I just can't help being bugged.

I guess the moral of the story is those online look up old friends are better left alone.

Life is a Highway...

and sometimes it's a nice drive, others you are stuck in traffic or hit a roadblock.

My good friend Megan has been blogging for sometime now. It seems to be almost therapeutic for her. I keep thinking that I need to be writing more. Lucy Caulkins says to teach it you have to do it. So...at 1:30 A.M I decided to try to take my mind off the horrible screaming match my husband I just had. So here I am.

Today I was told I could be George Carlin's daughter the way my thoughts are sometimes random and jump from one thing to the next. I guess that isn't too bad of a comment.
That was said after I asked, "If a girl has a sex change and becomes a guy can she/he have an erection? Or does it just stay hard all the time." Which was promptly answered with "How the heck should I know."
Then I proceeded to ask "Do you think they gave Baby Bear (of Sesame Street) a speech impediment on purpose?"

My friends and I went to dinner, had cocktails and then bowling. (The cocktails could have contributed to the screaming match but who knows) During conversation "The one that got a way." was mentioned. I realized I don't know if I have one, I guess I am lucky and caught the only one I really wanted to keep. But I think it would be nice to be thought of like that. Huh? I wonder if anyone thought of me like that.

Now for the fight. We were getting ready to leave the bowling alley at 11:30. A young woman walked in with friends and a baby about 6 months old. I pointed it out and my husband shook his head. I stated "that is too late for a baby that age to be out." He nodded. BUT then we get in the car. He proceeds to tell me I shouldn't pass judgement on someone, I don't know the circumstances. Okay yes, thank god she didn't leave the baby alone but I think when you choose to have a baby you choose to give up certain things. Like going out at a certain time with your child. (ours had a sitter) I guess the thing that got me fired up was he said "I didn't have the right to pass judgement or put my moral views on someone else." I didn't call CPS, I didn't holler at the bimbo, I commented to him. Now this is the same man who calls any parent without a phone a "crack head" but it was acceptable for her to do because it's not any worse than us taking our son to a restaurant at 8:00 where there is smoke.
Eventually we came to an agreement. He is an engineer; so there are things he knows more about like gravity, magnetism, electricity, etc. I don't try to argue about such things. Therefore I don't think he should try to tell a woman with two masters degrees in education and a extensive knowledge of child development. Am I wrong?

Hmmm, Megan may be on to something. I am feeling much better. I think my husband was drunk and dumb. I think I am right. I think I need sleep. Excuse the random thoughts of a crazy woman but this is my first crack at it. =)